I am all yours Father

Father,I give up! I don’t have the strength to pretend anymore.

To pretend that I can hold it all together by myself.

Have the perfect children, the house that’s always clean.

The marriage where I feel control and desire my husband to be a mere copy of myself.

I have reached a breaking point because I do not have the strength on my own anymore to do anything

All I can acknowledge is how weak and defeated I feel today because life hasn’t been going according to my plan.

It’s your plan I need, not my own!

Help me to accept that I will fail throughout my life but do not need to suffer in shame because your forgiveness and love are readily available.

Work through me to accomplish whatever you put me on this earth for. Help me not to ask “why” but to simply say yes to your plan. That’s what your mother Mary did. 

I am definitely not a light that shines today. But you are and you can make my soul come alive again.

I offer you my broken heart and trust you will mend it.


Doctors offices and toddlers 

Have you ever enjoyed the pleasure of being in a tiny office for a doctor’s visit with more than one child? Let’s say four? 

It’s midnight now and the appointment was at 2, but I could still tear my hair out now.I was a proud momma when they were relatively mellow and kind in the waiting room while we were waiting to be seen. Forty Five minutes late. Yes. If I am that late I won’t get seen at all and might even be marked as a no show. But the doctor still gets too see us and who do I get to mark anything? I didn’t even get to tattoo_”Dr Nicolas Never On Time” on his forehead. 

Finally we are lead into the examination room and are asked to fill out two lengthy forms about the boys and their development. “Joe, can you draw a line on this paper? ” We ask. Joe doesn’t seem to hear us. So we ask again and are met with a shrill scream that seems to mean no. Thomas has decided to open the door and shut it with enough power to make the whole clinic shake. While I tell him he can’t do that Joe had decided to open the prescriptions of allergy meds the girls just got. For my own sanity and the overwhelmed looking nurse’s sanity who is trying to type at the computer,I decide not to take it away from him and monitor the bottles and his hands closely. At least he ia quiet so I can answer the nurse who is asking me for the tenth fine if Joe is the one who is two. No! He is three! Thomas is two! Oh oh, the fun with the allergy medicine bottles wore off already? Joe is trying to open the red trash basket marked “sharps”! He opened it!”No, mister, get over here!”My husband picks him up and tickles him to distract him but he screams. Honey, are you on my side here? I remind my husband not as gently and quietly as I should have about what my expectations were of him as my helper. Five year old Mary isn’t shy either hopping on the examination bed, following her ten year old sister.I have the older one the evil eye and she hopped back off. But now Mary is tearing the sanitart paper cover off the bed while Joe is trying to get the blood pressure machine working. I didn’t need a machine to tell me my pressure was up!

Can you believe it? And the doctor wasn’t even there yet! I think I made an angry grimace and excited with the girls. Off to music lesson! 

My kids are wonderful. They are Loving and kind and being locked up in a tiny room is just too much for them. Think of how fun all these machines and gloves and the movable bed are to them. They are out of patience but also curious.

The stress of today added to a disagreement about nothing at all between me and my husband’s. Be  didn’t get any time to himself which he needed. I should have been in bed still recovering from an illness and didn’t get the rest I needed. That leads to disfunction naturally but I think we were able to accept that and still go to bed peacefully.

Put your own mask on first is what they say…

Down with Pneumonia

Coughing most of the night and feeling weak with chest discomfort, I knew something wasn’t right.

I was diagnosed with Pneumonia and my husband has been taking on the kids and chores heroicly.

As painful as this illness has been it makes you that a step back and realize how little you appreciate things. A smile from my son, hug from my daughter, all that is so much more meaningful when you a forced to slow down.

Today is also Albinism Awareness Day. Here is my wonderful and caring son taking my temperature. 


Parenting doesn’t stop when we are sick.

I think I am really sick today. Usually I rest an hour or so during the day, but today I felt like laying down all day and can’t even imagine picking the kids up from school and camp in just a few hours. I did the dishes but there is more work that has to get done. The trash is overflowing and that’s gross. It is so easy to feel like the day was wasted! I could honestly cry because deep inside I don’t believe that I’m sick even though I am coughing like crazy. Maybe I just feel down? 

Now it’s  amazing how Moms can get it together when they need to. I took some flu meds and was able to drive to town and and pick them all up on time. Just a few hours ago dragging myself out of bed seemed insurmountable. Now I am in a better mood – at least temporarily-because  my babies are home!

Albinism is beautiful 

Oahu is a relatively small place compared to where we came from-San Diego. On Sunday we went to the food court as a family and after lunch we began to walk towards the exit sign. Suddenly I spotted a family with three children. One of the children was about a six year old girl with long bright hair. She had exactly the same hair color as Mu Zhu! I approached the mother and we quickly found out how much we had a common. We were both families with biological children as well as an adopted child from China with Albinism. It felt so comforting to know I wasn’t alone in this place-Mu Zhu had a kindred spirit. She was six years old and wore dark glasses inside like our son died at times. Her parents told us that she plays soccer and basketball-what an encouragement! I feel truly blessed to be able to be the mother of such a wonderfully made, unique child. And comforted by the fact that others are near by who have learned to accept the challenge of making a life that’s truly fulfilling possible for that child.

My first thought when I saw her was how beautiful she was! I see our son as beautiful too and it’s still hard to grasp that other people see him as “scary”, or “bad luck” or unable to be successful in this world. Sometimes words have communicated this-sometimes they were out of feeling sorry for him, at other times they were unfiltered words. 

Truth is-Albinism is beautiful. 


Dark days

Now it’s really been a lot of dark days lately. Nothing seems to be going right. Thomas has consistently been waking up during the night and early in the morning. He makes demands for all sorts of concessions like chocolate milk, even crackers. And if I do not give in he kicks and screams. That means all the other kids wake up too. Then today report tantrums continued for what seemed like two hours. Exhaustion! Don’t have an answer but will allow myself a nap when possible.

Come stir this ship

Lord, come stir this ship. It’s lost and can’t see the lighthouse. At this moment it has no destination, no navigation, and every little wave that crashes against its side seems powerful enough to tip it over. 

I give up. Get this ship out of the storm that is raging, untie the anchor that is stuck on the ocean floor! Set it free to sail towards blue skies and fluffy clouds. 

Most of all, stir it, guide it. When I am weak, you show your strength.  


Feeling out of control

Today our social worker from the Adoptions agency came to do a post placement study for Thomas and begin a new homestudy for another potential child we have in mind.

I feel so out of control. I must have spent hours cleaning that house that still has several boxes from our move only three months ago out in the garage. Stress does that to moms-or at least to me! I feel like I need to shape up in my parenting skills, discipline, cooking and time management and start digging into different resources. 

I started writing down a very long to do list so I could stop thinking about tons of items that still needed to get done. I marked them from 1 for urgent  to 3 for non urgent. 

I can’t do it all at once! Four kids, a busy household and a never ending to do list. Anxiety is rising. I have no answer, maybe sleep will help.

But if I do ever find that perfect planner, parenting book or mysterious item that will restore my false sense of control, I will let you know! I promise!

Remember our big adventure last year?

We are considering reusing out dossier ( part of the required paperwork for China) and doing it again. It’s not logical, it defies all reason, but it’s a reality.

We just moved to Hawaii only three months ago with our three biological children and our adopted son from China. It hasn’t been easy-the move, leaving loved ones behind, and now getting accustomed to our new surroundings. Thomas is a very loving child who keeps trying to be loving to us, even when we have failed in the past and been impatient,he never gives up. He has a great sense of humor and takes his Albinism with stride. He even started preschool with his brother and sister! I have no answer as to where the money is going to come from for all the adoption costs, but if God is in favor of this he will provide. I felt I needed to do this again-that doesn’t mean it will happen. But I sure hope it does!